2/11/2005

A letter to Alcohol

(Thanks to Tom for the following snippet)

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours. Your many sides and dimensions are mind
boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll
touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem
to be there when needed.

The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the
game ... and you're even around in the holidays -
hidden inside chocolates, you warm us when we're stuck
in the midst of endless family gatherings.

Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
You see, I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has
led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your
review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place at 5am.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and,
though cooking is far from my specialty, why you
suggested that I eat a kebab with chili sauce, coupled
with pot noodles and some stale crisps (washed down
with chocolate nesquik and topped off a Kit Kat) is
beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went
too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 30
seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it
can often clarify the last point below, but the
following costumes are heretofore banned from being
placed on my head in public: indian wigs, sombreros,
bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable
balloon animals, traffic cones, bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from
somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request
that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know
that person. The phrase 'let's shag' is heretofore to
be rendered illegal. While I may be thinking this,
please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would
stop this thought from becoming a statement,
especially in public.

Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I
know a little penance for our previous evenings
debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover
Immobility is ccompletely unacceptable. I ask that, if
the proper steps are proactively taken on my part
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to
going to bed/passing out face down on the kitchen floor
with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal
and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or
Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.

Come on now, it's only fair, you do your part, I'll do
mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now and would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when we just don't know what to do with the
extra money in our pockets. In order to continue this
friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately.

I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 5pm
(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan.

PS - I 'gave up' alcohol for Lent, thanks for reminding me Tom!

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