8/10/2005

Greg Gutfeld's "BIO" @ HuffPo

Gratuitously copied from here ... found via Beth


THERE IS NO BIO HERE. INSTEAD, YOU HAVE ENTERED GREG'S DOUBLE SECRET HIDDEN BLOG!!! WELCOME TO MY TINY HOLE IN HELL! aug 10, 2005 ______ IS IT ME? is it me, or does much of the concern on the huffpo for dead US soldiers and their grieving relatives seem POLITICALLY MOTIVATED AND THEREFORE SOMEWHAT FAKE? I can't remember a time when lefties ever gave a fuck about soldiers and their families. libs usually considered soldiers to be either redneck racists, or blacks fooled into enlisting on the false promise of a better life. But now, these phonies bend over backwards to feign sympathy. HEY BUT I COULD BE WRONG. I HAVE BEEN DRINKING! _________ FLASH: VILE GHOUL GORE VIDAL IS STILL ALIVE! SEE Arianna's opening lines on her latest post: ____ "My summer travels have come to an end with my journey to Ravello. I arrived in Amalfi with my two teenage daughters and took the winding road up to Ravello to visit Gore Vidal." _____ THOSE MAY BE THE GREATEST OPENING SENTENCES I HAVE EVER READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Granted, i don't read much. but those lines pretty much sum up all that is relentlessly annoying about the Huffpost. Namedropping, self-importance, PLUS AN incredible lack of self-awareness. I MEAN, I MAY BE AN IDIOT, BUT AT LEAST I KNOW I AM AN IDIOT. I love being an idiot. No one sits near me in the theater. And i get to wear whatever i want to work (slacks and a tie). aug 9, 2005 i know it's not really august 9th, but i'm leaving for a few days. in the meantime, i will be thinking of all of you (it takes my mind off the pain...i'm getting a full body wax). _____ aug 8, 2005 I hope everyone had a great weekend. I did. i sat at home in my underwear and watched 6 consecutive episodes of Columbo. The best one starred Brenda Vaccaro and Andrew Stevens. Stevens was the villain, and he killed the victim...twice! (that was the twist - hope i didn't ruin it for anyone). In London, Columbo is on around the clock, which probably accounts for its LOW CRIME RATE. ____________________ I would also like to thank Mickey Kaus for responding to my secret blog, and pointing out that SUVS only become an environmental concern once more people can afford them. As long as only rich people can have them, there aren't enough SUVS around to wreak havoc on the planet. Fair enough. but that argument can be used for just about anything, from airline travel to just about any activity that creates trash or some kind of nasty byproduct - like sex. If only rich people had sex, and had kids - then the world would be cleaner. I think i read this once in the New England Journal of Medicine. _____________________ The best transportation answer for the environment: marathon running. Which is why i've invited Guest blogger Mark Remy to sit in and answer your running/fitness questions. Mark lives in NYC and works with mark golin at their new double secret website. I DISLIKE BOTH OF THEM INTENSELY! While it's true that Mark has sixpack abs, he also has an eight-pack heart! _________ GUEST BLOG... ASK AN ECTOMORPH! by Mark Remy TRUE STORY: Eight years ago, Greg Gutfeld and I both worked at Men's Health magazine. He was a big wheel, though, and I was just an assistant editor. So he didn't talk to me much. One day, we passed each other in the hall. I grinned stupidly. Greg took one look at my lanky frame and sneered, "I hate ectomorphs." Did I mention I was wearing biking clothes at the time? I'd just biked to work. Greg didn't say so, but I'm sure he hated that too. This anecdote might sound random, and it is. So let's get on with the questions! _____ Q: Are all runners ectomorphs? A: No, but you'd be forgiven for thinking so! Ectomorphic runners are simply more visible, because they aren't shy about being seen. Chunkier people often run at night or in low-traffic areas, or both, because they are ashamed of being fat. They are right to be ashamed. ___________ Q: How important is stretching? A: Honestly? Not very. Last time I checked, there was little or no actual evidence that stretching prevents injury. Does it make you more flexible? Sure, I guess. But so what? TIP: Stretch *after* exercise, or at least after a 5-to-10-minute aerobic warmup. Stretching cold muscles is bad news. NOTE FROM GREG: STRETCHING IS FOR GIRLS! ___________ Q: I'm training for my first race, a 5-K. Should I be running every day? A: The real benefit comes not during activity, but during *rest*, as your muscles rebuild and recover from the effort. This is where gains are made. Without built-in recovery time (i.e., "days off"), you'll actually get less strong! NOTE FROM GREG: THIS IS ALSO TRUE WITH ALMOST EVERY ACTIVITY. EXCEPTION: HUGGING. :) ________________ Q: How important is nutrition for a runner? A: Not nearly as important as you've been lead to believe. You'd be amazed at what you can get away with, diet-wise, if you run enough. Most nutritionists would disagree with this strenuously, which is why I avoid spending time with nutritionists. GREGS NOTE: MOST NUTRITIONISTS ARE FULL OF SHIT (I BLAME THE FIBER) ___________________ Q: Would you call the recent raising of a Russian mini-sub and rescue of its seven crewmembers "uplifting"? A: Ha ha. Yes I would. But please, let's stick to ectomorph-specific questions! __________________ Q: Every time I try running, I get shinsplints. Help! A: Try this: Every night, lie on your back with your feet hanging over the edge of your bed. Then "write" the alphabet in the air, using your toes. Work your way up to two or three "sets." Over time this will strengthen your shins and your problem should disappear. It worked for me! ____________________ Well, that's all I have time for now. Gotta run! ;-) HAVE A QUESTION FOR THE ECTOMORPH? WRITE IT ON TOILET PAPER USING A FELT-TIP PEN. THEN FLUSH AND WATCH IT DISAPPEAR. THIS IS WHAT I DO WHENEVER I NEED TO "LET GO" OF SOMETHING THAT'S MAKING ME ANXIOUS. IT SELDOM HELPS. _____ THANKS MARK! COME BACK SOON. ANYONE ELSE WHO WOULD LIKE TO GUEST BLOG PLEASE EMAIL ME AT MY UK MAXIM ADDRESS. IT'S NOT HARD TO FIND. AREAS OF INTEREST ARE MUSCLE, FITNESS, EXCESSIVELY TALL PEOPLE, GOLDFRAPP, HAPPY SLAPPING, SPEED OR PRECISION METAL (PRIMARILY FANTOMAS OR SLAYER OR CHILDREN OF BODOM), GREY SQUIRRELS, FINGERLESS MITTS, NONFISH RECIPES, MIKE PATTON BANDS, STICKY ONION MARMALADE SAUSAGES, SAFARI GRADE CANVAS TRAVEL BAGS. SPECIAL PLEA: ANYONE WHO KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT FRENCH CARS. aug 4, 2005 people have been asking me how to comment on my secret blog. you can't. however, if you want to, simply go to the comments section of my most recent post, and comment there. I am willing to answer questions about weightlifting, nutrition, relationships. I am also available for personal one-on-one life coaching sessions. Please send me pictures, AND A HAIR SAMPLE. ___________ i am very excited. i am going to have a GUEST BLOGGER on my secret hidden blog. My friend mark remy promised to answer questions about running, here for monday. Mark loves to run. he used to work at Runner's World. He's GOT A HUGE ADAM'S APPLE. Like he swallowed a PREGNANT door knob. ____________ i think i caught something at the gym. i am scratching all over. it's driving me nuts. i bet it's folliculitis. the more you scratch the worse it gets. REGARDLESS, I LOVE ALL OF YOU AND WANT TO BATHE YOU IN MILK. ______________________ THE HUFFPO HYPOCRISY: SUVS the unspeakable truth about the anti-SUV crowd.they only hate those vehicles because every one in America can afford them. If SUVs were too expensive for middle class Americans, then only people like laurie david and Arianna would drive them. But since we can afford to drive them, and they are wildly popular and all over town, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM. If we all could afford private jets - then Arianna would want to ban them. But since only she can afford to charter them, she's ok with it. THAT'S THE GIST! christ i am itching all over the place. i am going to get lunch. SHALL I GET AN OMELETTE? OR SHOULD I GET BARBEUED PORK? YOU DECIDE! POST A COMMENT NOW! WIN A FREE PICTURE OF ME! (SERIOUSLY - I WILL SEND YOU A PICTURE OF ME. POSSIBLY DRIVING AN SUV!) _____________ an observation: Jessica Alba just said in a recent interview that she once had an eating disorder. she looks fantastic. So - eating disorders work. __________ we have our company party today in Regents Park. not sure what to wear. ANY SUGGESTIONS? PLEASE POST. THE WINNER WILL RECEIVE SOMETHING FROM ME PERSONALLY (A SKIN TAG). aug 3 2005: I was talking about passive smoking with my friend Chris, and he said that "passive smokers SHOULD buy their own." i agree. NEW FITNESS QUESTIONS! is there a perfect push-up? ____ yes. the straight push-up is the best. for muscle building, you need 45 seconds of sustained muscle tension (so a set should last around 45 seconds). what i find works is to do 12 sets of pushups at thirty reps per set. i do them inbetween pulling exercises (curls, pull ups, rows). while alternating between pulling and pushing you are giving your muscles a rest while in fact working your ass off. you will end up doing 24 sets total. At a minute roughly per set, you're talking a brutal workout in under 25 minutes. CALL ME LATER AND I WILL TELL YOU WHERE TO PICK UP MY DISCARDED GYM SHORTS. ________ QUESTION: You say that guys shouldn't do curls (a.k.a. "girls' curls") in thegym, because real men don't care about their biceps.But are pull-ups/chin-ups OK? (Don't they also primarily work the biceps?") GREAT QUESTION. actually, pull-ups do more than work the biceps. they work your lats and shoulders too! i do pullups every other day. And at night too, you'll often find me "pulling up" to the bar! HAHAHA. BUT SERIOUSLY, DRINKING AND DRIVING IS BAD. AND SO IS CANCER. _____________ THE janitor at my apartment complex approached me as i was returning from the gym this morning. i have a ground floor apartment. he was mopping. he smiled at me, and said, "hey you ever hear any noise outside your window?" i said, "no, but then i sleep like a rock." He said, "good." NOW I AM SCARED. VERY SCARED. ________ YESTERDAY, YOU COULD VOTE ON WHAT I SHOULD BE: -mysterious greg -sporty greg -pleased with himself greg SPORTY GREG WON WITH A 67 PERCENT VOTE. A Randomly chosen winner will receive a loose Joe Biden hair plug we found in a bathroom at the Hawk and Dove. It's in the mail! __________ christ is it me OR IS THE HUFFPOST GETTING BORINGER? the celebs try to be smart, which is like watching a blind kid ride a bicycle. then the noncelebs try to be witty and cool -- AND THAT'S EVEN FUNNIER!!!! almost as funny as skin cancer. which is NOT FUNNY AT ALL. I WILL REPEAT: SKIN CANCER IS NOT FUNNY! __________ i have a mole on my arm. i keep looking at it. so i went to the doctor. he says it's probably nothing, but i should have it removed. so i am going to get it removed. THE QUESTION IS: WHO WOULD LIKE THE MOLE? I WILL GIVE IT TO THE FIRST PERSON WHO WRITES A COMMENT IN CENK UYGAR'S POSTS, THAT SAYS, "I WANT GREG'S MOLE!" _________ AJ says to me 'MY BENCH PRESS SUCKS!' here's what you need AJ. MY BENCH PRESS WORKOUT: three sets of three, three sets of eight - with the eight reps being 40 lbs lighter than the three sets of three. my best was three sets at 290, three sets of eight at 250. THEN DO THIS AFTER THREE MONTHS: six sets of three, at a weight 20 lbs under your max (the one -repetition max). _____________ When i was 25 i set the first record for the endurance bench press competition, where i benched half my body weight 116 times! this was a local event at a fire company in emmaus PA. I was wearing lycra shorts and they had a bad odor. I went to a bar afterward and threw up in the bathroom. August 2 2005 __________ i was sitting next to Paul Burrell at a party last night. He was Princess Diana's butler. i was not impressed. If i had a butler, he would have to have giant hands, so he could carry me to bed when i fall asleep in front of the fireplace. __________________________ i received a question yesterday on the blog that read: "Love the tricepts superset. Do you have a biceps superset as well? I am concerned that supersetting one without the other may lead to an unbalanced physique." - BR _________ great question! The fact is, you don't need a superset for biceps, because it's pretty much impossible to create an imbalance in favor of your triceps. Your triceps are about one third the size of your biceps. So it makes sense that you would do a triple set for your triceps, and not your biceps. In the gym, we call exercises for the biceps muscles, "girls curls," because only girls feel the need to pump up their biceps! IT'S ALL ABOUT THE TRICEPS PEOPLE! ________ I'm into phase two of my workout. i've bulked up, now i need to start cutting. that means more pushups, high reps, as opposed to low-rep bench with heavy weight. I'LL GET INTO THIS LATER TODAY. SO HOLD TIGHT. __________ some nice person on the blog asked me why i'm not a featured post. well, i used to be. back when i was just writing about baskets and recipes. Then i started to actually read the other posts on the blog, and frankly, all the vapid self-centered bullshit i found there started to make me sick. So i started writing more about the producers of this dreck. and since then, i have been banned. I'm now in the back of the bus! It's more fun back here anyway. The driver can't see what i'm doing. (I am currently giving Walter Shapiro a wedgie). _________ it's almost lunchtime out here. i'm thinking about chicken escalope. I am also thinking about Lance Henriksen. Do you know he makes pottery? He's very secretive about this hobby. I would like to buy some of his pots, and urinate in them. _______ i've changed my mind on the chicken escalope. thinking now about barbecued pork. also, still thinking about Lance Henriksen, and his pots. _____________________________ GREG'S GUILTY PLEASURES! -stealing from old people -collecting halloween costumes (on halloween) -touching people on the bus, then going home to masturbate -dunking my feet in filthy toilets -kicking babies WHAT ARE YOUR GUILTY PLEASURES? ______________ august 1 2005 WORKOUT UPDATE: This morning i did a fairly routine upper body workout, followed by roughly 45 minutes on the stairclimber. My favorite exercise this week: the tricep superset, which combines close-grip bench, tricep curls and something i like to call "reverse over the shoulder tricep pulls." I do eight reps of each, for a set of 24. I do four sets. That's 96 repetitions, in the span of 6 minutes. MY TIP FOR TODAY: stick your tongue up against the roof of your mouth when doing crunches. it's a simple way to align your spine. MY SECOND TIP FOR TODAY: never accept a "free towel service" from a guy who claims to work at the gym. This is a total scam. i learned the hard way. ______ BUT WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR LUNCH? I just ate an omelet and a sausage. part of my new "omelet and a sausage" diet. I am batting a thousand on this diet. Tonight i plan on having cantonese spare ribs, and then smearing the sticky sauce all over my naked chest. I will post the pictures at a later date. _________ Last week I wrote that my top six exercises (in descending order of total excellence) are -lat pulldowns -upright rows -narrow grip bench press -tricep curls -incline press -bench press I am still sticking to this list, despite the phone calls and emails. _________________________ Many people have asked me what the offices here at the Huffpo look like. That's a great question. Basically, the offices look like a travel agency. You've got Hooman at one desk. Gene Stone at another. Bradley in the back. Basically none of us talk to each other. Bradley wears too much cologne. And some of the other weenies here have appalling hygeine habits that i won't even get into. __________

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